I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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