my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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