Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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