Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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