What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize