I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
