My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
