I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
