i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
