I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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