We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
