All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
