I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You took a bar mat shot.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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