If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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