I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
