I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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