I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
