I puked a lego.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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