You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
