I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
