i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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