I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
