when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it was like eating out sand paper
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
