you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
