I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
