You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
