The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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