I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
