Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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