She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
