Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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