It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
