Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
