I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
