He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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