So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
