just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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