an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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