my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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