I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
