You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
