I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
