From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
