I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize