the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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