if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry about my life...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
