Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
