i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
