I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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