One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
