you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
