Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
