im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You're like the curious george of whores
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
