she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
