Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
