There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
