apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
