so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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