my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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