ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize